Monday, January 08, 2007

fuckin holz... (wrote this three days ago... what i thought and felt at that time...)
Well the holidays went by pretty fast… two weeks... and here i am three days from the re-start of uni... three days from our marketing examinations that is followed up by tons of other mid-terms... while my frenz went on an around the world trip, i stayed back in bordeaux... for the entire holidays, i stayed back in bordeaux. Why? Because of a gurl, that’s why... i kinda do really stupid things because of gurls... i haven’t actually thought of a New Year’s resolution, but now i think i have one... as far as i can remember, i have always been a fool around gurls... being used by them... a fren of mine once said that it’s probably because i’m too kind... i think it’s just because i’m too stupid... so, this year’s resolution, don’t fall in love, don’t be used, don’t be a fool...

U see, I spent the entire week with her, an entire week trying to get close to her... to make her realise that i am the guy for her... an entire week... and it worked out fine, i swear to u that it was perfect, that is till her boyfriend showed up... well, an entire week of hard work just vanished, in a blink of an eye... everything went back to the way it was... me loving her from afar... i could have gone around the world, studied for my examinations (which now i am trying to do with so little time meft and a heavily broken heart; i mean seriously torn and tattered), read the numerous books i promised myself i would read, but no, i stayed back for her... come to think of it, it was pretty much for me, knowing that she loves another, i still tried... a bit of a fool... a bit of a bastard... but then again, how can one manage his feelings? I know, there’s no excuse there, nor am i trying to find one or justify what i did, just telling u what’s been up with me oki...

Each time i see her, i want to hold her, touch her, kiss her... but what for? The fact is, she will never leave him... even though she says she feels the same way about me, there is so much between them... the fact is i am just digging a deeper and deeper hole for me to fall into...

I would love to say that that one week we spent together would be enough to last me a lifetime (as so well said in ‘A Walk To Remember’)... but it isn’t, it isn’t enough to last me to tommorow... and tommorow it starts all aver again... till the day i leave bordeaux...

I’ve been doubting myself a lot lately... need some sage advice from u guys... am i really fighting for the gurl that i luv? Or am i actually just trying to steal someone else’s gurl away? What should i do? Keep in mind, i see her every day one way or the other... we’re in the same friekin class!!! Which makes it so much more difficult... seeing the person u really really love, knowing that u will never be with that person...

I know, i speak of love like i know what i’m talking about... but what is love? Is it being comfortable with the person ur with to the point where u dun wear that mask u put on daily... is love thinking about that person the first and last thing of the day? Is it having ur heart ache when she’s not around, and having it beat just a little bit faster when she is? Honestly, i don’t know, but if that is love, then i do love her...
-aDRiANo-

2 comments:

zaid said...

in order not to be used, you need to use. balance is the key. i use you, you use me.

don't be discouraged bro. best wishes to u

NaDyA SummER said...

hey there. i may not know u and u may not know me. but one thing i know, is that u shud hang in there.keep ur pride.dont be so devastated becoz of a girl.well, she's maybe THE ONE,but if she's truly fated to be urs, then, one day, no matter wat happens now, she'll b urs. but if she's not, u'll find others who will be THE ONE. so.. best advice, hang in there.